New Year, New Idea

So I finally decided on a New Year's Resolution, it came to me on Friday as I was wandering around outside for an hour waiting to get called back. Stop kidding myself. I came up with the idea because of him, but since then I've realised that it applies to a lot of people/situations in my life right now, so with any luck I'll actually be able to convince myself of it in a case or two.....we'll see how that works out......
That's about it for now, I've been sick all day, and will most likely be again tomorrow, I haven't been sleeping well at all, not falling asleep until 5 in the morning, and no matter how much sleep I get I still end up exhausted the next day. I'm going to try calling my doctor tomorrow to get an appointment (because I need a certificate because I missed an essay deadline by staying home today) and perhaps for once in my life they'll actually be able to figure out what's wrong, and help me get better.
Here's hoping,
Star

Hourglass figure FTW, except without the win

So I have a question, if society says there "ideal" is a woman who is tall, has large breasts, a tiny waist and hips why is it so bloody impossible to find clothes that fit if you come anywhere near this body-type? This query comes after I had a random energy surge and went through all my clothes giving away everything that I don't wear and/or doesn't fit. I realised that almost all my shirts have grown/were in the beginning too short. When shopping I find it extremely difficult to find clothing that fits me properly. Thank goodness for Bluenotes jeans, where they have different sizes in length and waist. I don't understand why no one makes clothes to fit the image every girl should "aspire to be", the shirts are always too tight at the bust, or too loose in the waist, and if they ever have stupid seams or lines that are supposed to go under your breasts, they *never* fit me. It's pretty damn frustrating. I have a shirt that says "I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome" I think I should have one made that says "I may not be perfect, but I'm so damn close these clothes won't fit me". As for pants, they're generally *just* long enough, but they're too short as soon as I sit down. I'm too tall for regular stores, and not tall enough for stores like Tall Girl which make clothing for women who are taller than average. Even though they're pants are too long I *adore* buying my pyjamas from Tall Girl, because then they double as slippers ^_^ I also love having pants that are too long, because it's not often I come across them.

Sometimes I wish I was shorter, for the most part I enjoy being tall, but it's frustrating shopping for clothes, and every once and a while I see couples together where the girl is just leaning on the guy's shoulder and I think "wouldn't that be nice, too bad I'd have to find a guy who's at least 6' to do that". Now I'm not saying that it was a bad thing, but every once and a while I wondered how it looked to other people when Loud and I walked down the street, because apparently I've still been growing over the past few years, so by the end of it I was quite noticabely taller than him. I have nothing against short people, but I find it amusing when I notice just how much shorter than me some people are, because generally I don't find myself standing directly in front of people when I talk to them, so I don't notice the difference in height, but it seems that I'm a quite a bit taller than most of the people I work with, they ask me to get things down/put things back because they can't reach the top shelves, which seems odd to me, because I'm just so used to being tall, so being able to reach most things.

Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose

So I bought an awesome CD yesterday, it's by Emmy Rossum, who played Christine in the Phantom of the Opera film. After having a very difficult week I've realised the one thing I want more than anything else is for someone to feel like this about me, because it says pretty well what I'm feeling, but there isn't anybody to talk to about it.

Laying alone with the history that made you cold and uncertain inside.
Careful now, deep breath, the water's still rising.
But your silver lining's in sight.

When you feel like you're breaking down,
And your body's just giving in,
And you can't go on broken like this any longer.

Close your eyes,
Don't you cry.
Let the sorrow within you subside.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
Give your weight to me when you hear this lullaby.

You say all seems so wrong with the life that you're living.
You're searching for some reasons why.
You're so scared to trust, you're feeling unworthy.
Aching for comfort tonight.

When your heart's too sore to beat,
And you feel it might never heal,
And you feel not even beggars want you.
I do.

Close your eyes,
Don't you cry.
Let the sorrow within you subside.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
Give your weight to me when you hear this lullaby.

Close your eyes,
Don't you cry.
Let the sorrow within you subside.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
Give your weight to me when you hear this lullaby.

Don't you cry,
Let the darkness within you feel light.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
You'll find comfort in me like child with this lullaby.

I'm too scared of what people would say if they knew, what they'd think of me if they found out what's happened to me, what's still happening to me, what I'm letting it do to me. I'm bad at communicating my thoughts, so I'll use another lyric from the cd "Unsew my seams, look inside if you dare, do you still like what you're seeing now? Secrets and sins all exposed, spilling out." Would it scare you away if I tried to tell you? Would you care? Would it be too much? Is it not your job either? I am trying to find someone whose job it would be to help me, I went to see a counsellor at Carleton on Monday, it actually made me feel a lot worse, because he made me realise so many more ways in which I've let them change my life. I don't want them to have such control over me after so long. I'm not giving up, I'm going back on Monday, I *will* keep trying, but you have to understand it's not easy, especially when my counsellor seems so convinced that all my problems stem from 2 events, yes they were important events, they changed my life in many not good ways, but unfortunately there are also many other things that have happened to me. I need to talk about more than just them.

I'm scared I'm breaking things apart before they've even had a chance to come together, I don't know what I'm supposed to say, what to expect, and yet I can't find the words to ask. I hope I'm not just fooling myself when I hope that things will be easier instead of harder after next weekend, that somehow talking face-to-face will be easier, I should know better, but what else can I do? Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, and looking very much forward to it, I've just also been having fears and apprehensions about it because of my insecurities and non-existent self-esteem.

I know this post is basically useless, and I'm sure no one will bother reading it, but if you have, I'm sorry I wasted your time on this, you should know by now that I rarely put anything of substance here.

A Sad Day for the Ice Cream Lovers

On Monday October 15th the world of Ottawa lost a good store when the only Ben & Jerry's, at Billings Bridge, closed down for good after less than 2 years of life. It was a sudden closing, not even giving enough time for anyone to stop by for a last cone or milkshake. By Thursday all that was left of the poor store was 2 pipes sticking out of the floor. There are plans to reopen, but no definate location. Until then we shall mourn the loss of such a great store (with awesome staff who always had good discounts for us) and we shall have to be content consoling ourselves with over-priced store bought pints.

I don't call them "Freckles". I like to think of them as "Sunspots"

It seems that I have allowed my readers to wallow in the pain of un-updated agony for too long, a mistake which I shall correct immediately!

Ok, so I'm sure you can ascertain from the style and vocabulary of the title and these sentences that it is not Star, but Loud who is pushing for an update. Will he get one?

This is now Star, and I wonder at the reason Loud would so much want an update when he has just informed me that what I write is not worthy of praise. He tells me I ought to have written a more heartfelt, moving piece on the death of my guider friend. Well to anyone silly enough to waste their time reading such an apparently awful piece, I am sorry my feelings could not be better expressed in my time of sorrow. I shall try harder when I tell the story of my grandmother when I return from spending the week with her, detailing with moving words how horrible it was to deal with her Alzheimer's, perhaps that will warrant some praise! The point of this is to get my feelings out, not to write it in some way that befits a true author, I know I am no such person, my talents, if you could find someone who would be kind enough to call them that, lie elsewhere.
Though I realise it is quite silly of me, I do wish something I did would be good enough to warrant the same praise and talk from Loud that other people's blogs do. I do not expect it to be this, for I am now more then aware of what a complete failure I am at it, but something perhaps like my performances in plays, or my small musical abilities. I admit I am at a loss for what I am good at, but I have never seen myself as good at anything, and it does not help to be with someone whom I can't remember ever boasting about me to someone else, mentioning how brilliant I was in a show, or how nice it was for me to take care of him when he was sick, or spend days looking for things I knew he was trying to find.
And so I come to the conclusion that I must be good at nothing and good for nothing, but when I come to this conclusion, this does not please him either as he then tells me that I sell myself short. What else is a girl supposed to do when it seems that nothing she does is worthy of praise?
If anyone knows the answer, please, let me know.
Here I'll end my awful un-moving post and hope that no one tunes in next time, because goodness knows what a waste of time *that* will be.
Star

So I finally finished my stupid job, and guess what? I got called today to go in for an interview at the Superstore just up the road, and if I get the job, they'll start me at the same amount I was getting paid when I left my old job! So why didn't I listen to everyone before and quit a few months ago? I'm not sure, but I'm glad I finally did. The only downside is that they mainly want me to work evenings, though they thought I was still in school, so perhaps that will change after the interview, and I have to be available Friday evenings and all-day saturday-sunday, which leaves not much time for seeing people, but soon everyone will be on vacation anyways, and hopefully we can start getting together during the week.
I have awesome pink nails from the walk for BCA I did on sunday, it sucked to have to get up, and leave so early, but it was actually a lot of fun.
I have to go clean the kitchen so my mother doesn't get angry, and then my room, so she can start giving me paid work around the house, and let me out to all the things I'm doing this weekend.

Star

Yeah, I know I'm doing brilliantly at this whole posting, and posting useful stuff, but it's me, deal with it. Maybe that's why I haven't been added as a link yet, maybe I'm too boring, or too emotional. I'm such a sucker, I handed in my 2 weeks notice at work, and then what do I do? Agree to stay another week and a half. Why? because I, unlike most people who work there, have a conscience. It was my birthday yesterday! and I got an awesome camera, I would've never asked for it, but it's awesome, and tiny and will be SO cool to take to Italy, and everywhere else I ever go. Incase you haven't noticed, I'm a *bit* obsessive......and random..........spastic...........and CrAzY.........
Anywho..........I also picked up the second volume of the Firefly Companion thingy, haven't had much of a chance to look at it, but it seems very shiny. More on that when I have had time to read it through.
I should really get to bed because I have to work again tomorrow, but I don't really feel like it.
I also feel neglected, I am not something you can just push aside until you're finished what you think is more important. I won't always just sit around waiting for you to be done everything else until you finally have time for me, it doesn't work that way, it shouldn't work that way. I realise I haven't been the most open and agreeable person lately, but that gives you no right to shove me away until you feel you've got nothing more important then to deal with me and all my stupid worthless issues like stress and depression and so many other things that you know. I've been through hell this past week and it's like you couldn't care less. Something needs to change. Everything needs to change. I need to change, but I can't and everyone keeps telling me it's just because I think I can't or whatever, but I've tried, you just don't understand how hard I've bloody tried. It scares me, change, I don't want to leave my job, my house, my friends, because then I have to find somethng new, and I have to meet new people, and be judged, and open up about thing and I'm bad at it, I'm just plain bad at being around people. I feel like I can't trust anybody, and it's awful, it really is and I *wish* I could change, I honesly do, I'm not lying, think what you want, but I'm not, and I've tried, and it's not worked.

I think you've probably had more then enough of my pointless drivel for now, so I'll bid you goodnight, and until next time,
Star