Hourglass figure FTW, except without the win

So I have a question, if society says there "ideal" is a woman who is tall, has large breasts, a tiny waist and hips why is it so bloody impossible to find clothes that fit if you come anywhere near this body-type? This query comes after I had a random energy surge and went through all my clothes giving away everything that I don't wear and/or doesn't fit. I realised that almost all my shirts have grown/were in the beginning too short. When shopping I find it extremely difficult to find clothing that fits me properly. Thank goodness for Bluenotes jeans, where they have different sizes in length and waist. I don't understand why no one makes clothes to fit the image every girl should "aspire to be", the shirts are always too tight at the bust, or too loose in the waist, and if they ever have stupid seams or lines that are supposed to go under your breasts, they *never* fit me. It's pretty damn frustrating. I have a shirt that says "I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome" I think I should have one made that says "I may not be perfect, but I'm so damn close these clothes won't fit me". As for pants, they're generally *just* long enough, but they're too short as soon as I sit down. I'm too tall for regular stores, and not tall enough for stores like Tall Girl which make clothing for women who are taller than average. Even though they're pants are too long I *adore* buying my pyjamas from Tall Girl, because then they double as slippers ^_^ I also love having pants that are too long, because it's not often I come across them.

Sometimes I wish I was shorter, for the most part I enjoy being tall, but it's frustrating shopping for clothes, and every once and a while I see couples together where the girl is just leaning on the guy's shoulder and I think "wouldn't that be nice, too bad I'd have to find a guy who's at least 6' to do that". Now I'm not saying that it was a bad thing, but every once and a while I wondered how it looked to other people when Loud and I walked down the street, because apparently I've still been growing over the past few years, so by the end of it I was quite noticabely taller than him. I have nothing against short people, but I find it amusing when I notice just how much shorter than me some people are, because generally I don't find myself standing directly in front of people when I talk to them, so I don't notice the difference in height, but it seems that I'm a quite a bit taller than most of the people I work with, they ask me to get things down/put things back because they can't reach the top shelves, which seems odd to me, because I'm just so used to being tall, so being able to reach most things.

Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose

So I bought an awesome CD yesterday, it's by Emmy Rossum, who played Christine in the Phantom of the Opera film. After having a very difficult week I've realised the one thing I want more than anything else is for someone to feel like this about me, because it says pretty well what I'm feeling, but there isn't anybody to talk to about it.

Laying alone with the history that made you cold and uncertain inside.
Careful now, deep breath, the water's still rising.
But your silver lining's in sight.

When you feel like you're breaking down,
And your body's just giving in,
And you can't go on broken like this any longer.

Close your eyes,
Don't you cry.
Let the sorrow within you subside.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
Give your weight to me when you hear this lullaby.

You say all seems so wrong with the life that you're living.
You're searching for some reasons why.
You're so scared to trust, you're feeling unworthy.
Aching for comfort tonight.

When your heart's too sore to beat,
And you feel it might never heal,
And you feel not even beggars want you.
I do.

Close your eyes,
Don't you cry.
Let the sorrow within you subside.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
Give your weight to me when you hear this lullaby.

Close your eyes,
Don't you cry.
Let the sorrow within you subside.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
Give your weight to me when you hear this lullaby.

Don't you cry,
Let the darkness within you feel light.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
You'll find comfort in me like child with this lullaby.

I'm too scared of what people would say if they knew, what they'd think of me if they found out what's happened to me, what's still happening to me, what I'm letting it do to me. I'm bad at communicating my thoughts, so I'll use another lyric from the cd "Unsew my seams, look inside if you dare, do you still like what you're seeing now? Secrets and sins all exposed, spilling out." Would it scare you away if I tried to tell you? Would you care? Would it be too much? Is it not your job either? I am trying to find someone whose job it would be to help me, I went to see a counsellor at Carleton on Monday, it actually made me feel a lot worse, because he made me realise so many more ways in which I've let them change my life. I don't want them to have such control over me after so long. I'm not giving up, I'm going back on Monday, I *will* keep trying, but you have to understand it's not easy, especially when my counsellor seems so convinced that all my problems stem from 2 events, yes they were important events, they changed my life in many not good ways, but unfortunately there are also many other things that have happened to me. I need to talk about more than just them.

I'm scared I'm breaking things apart before they've even had a chance to come together, I don't know what I'm supposed to say, what to expect, and yet I can't find the words to ask. I hope I'm not just fooling myself when I hope that things will be easier instead of harder after next weekend, that somehow talking face-to-face will be easier, I should know better, but what else can I do? Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, and looking very much forward to it, I've just also been having fears and apprehensions about it because of my insecurities and non-existent self-esteem.

I know this post is basically useless, and I'm sure no one will bother reading it, but if you have, I'm sorry I wasted your time on this, you should know by now that I rarely put anything of substance here.