Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose

So I bought an awesome CD yesterday, it's by Emmy Rossum, who played Christine in the Phantom of the Opera film. After having a very difficult week I've realised the one thing I want more than anything else is for someone to feel like this about me, because it says pretty well what I'm feeling, but there isn't anybody to talk to about it.

Laying alone with the history that made you cold and uncertain inside.
Careful now, deep breath, the water's still rising.
But your silver lining's in sight.

When you feel like you're breaking down,
And your body's just giving in,
And you can't go on broken like this any longer.

Close your eyes,
Don't you cry.
Let the sorrow within you subside.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
Give your weight to me when you hear this lullaby.

You say all seems so wrong with the life that you're living.
You're searching for some reasons why.
You're so scared to trust, you're feeling unworthy.
Aching for comfort tonight.

When your heart's too sore to beat,
And you feel it might never heal,
And you feel not even beggars want you.
I do.

Close your eyes,
Don't you cry.
Let the sorrow within you subside.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
Give your weight to me when you hear this lullaby.

Close your eyes,
Don't you cry.
Let the sorrow within you subside.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
Give your weight to me when you hear this lullaby.

Don't you cry,
Let the darkness within you feel light.
Don't despair,
Have no fear.
You'll find comfort in me like child with this lullaby.

I'm too scared of what people would say if they knew, what they'd think of me if they found out what's happened to me, what's still happening to me, what I'm letting it do to me. I'm bad at communicating my thoughts, so I'll use another lyric from the cd "Unsew my seams, look inside if you dare, do you still like what you're seeing now? Secrets and sins all exposed, spilling out." Would it scare you away if I tried to tell you? Would you care? Would it be too much? Is it not your job either? I am trying to find someone whose job it would be to help me, I went to see a counsellor at Carleton on Monday, it actually made me feel a lot worse, because he made me realise so many more ways in which I've let them change my life. I don't want them to have such control over me after so long. I'm not giving up, I'm going back on Monday, I *will* keep trying, but you have to understand it's not easy, especially when my counsellor seems so convinced that all my problems stem from 2 events, yes they were important events, they changed my life in many not good ways, but unfortunately there are also many other things that have happened to me. I need to talk about more than just them.

I'm scared I'm breaking things apart before they've even had a chance to come together, I don't know what I'm supposed to say, what to expect, and yet I can't find the words to ask. I hope I'm not just fooling myself when I hope that things will be easier instead of harder after next weekend, that somehow talking face-to-face will be easier, I should know better, but what else can I do? Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, and looking very much forward to it, I've just also been having fears and apprehensions about it because of my insecurities and non-existent self-esteem.

I know this post is basically useless, and I'm sure no one will bother reading it, but if you have, I'm sorry I wasted your time on this, you should know by now that I rarely put anything of substance here.